Letting Go

I'm pretty sure it's no secret to anyone that I have a hard time letting go.  However, I'm not sure people really know the extent of this issue.  I mentioned how I've learned to let go of control when it comes to Kayla's sleeping habits, but it goes so much further than that.

This move is extremely bittersweet for me.  And I'm having a hard time focusing on the "sweet" parts.  I guess it's because I know those parts are "sweet" and I don't have to worry about them.  Instead, the thoughts of the "bitter" parts are keeping me up at night.

1. I'm having a ton of anxiety about leaving Kayla at home while I go to work.  It's better that I'm leaving her with her Dad, but it still worries me.  Not that I think anything will happen to her, it's just that I feel like I have invested so much time into getting her to fall asleep without the pacifier and/or much crying.  And we've worked so hard to get on a schedule.  And I've worked my butt off to still be breastfeeding.  I know Justin and Kayla will figure out their own routine until he finds a job and we have to put her into day care (don't even get me started), but it's just hard to grasp the fact that all my hard work might just go right out the window.
2. I also can't even imagine being happy about only seeing Kayla for a couple hours a day, or not getting to say good night to her.  I can foresee myself waking her up to say "'Night" when I get home from work the late days.  
3. All of these thoughts about leaving her lead me down the road to the future: first day of day care, first day of Kindergarten, first request to sleep over at a friend's house, 8th grade graduation, first day of high school, first date, first school dance, high school graduation, leaving for college GASP. I'm practically having a heart attack even thinking about it.  I'm in for a really long road considering I had a hard time moving her to her own room, and still do sometimes.
4. And the anxiety is not just regarding Kayla.  I'm having significant guilty thoughts about leaving my big sister, best friend, Kayla's aunt here in stinky DC by herself.  I know she is old enough to take care of herself.  I know she will probably be following us shortly.  It's still hard to let go.  I have the worth Catholic guilt in the world.
5. Justin still needs to find a job, because we certainly can't live off my part time salary forever.  Everyone says this will be easier when we live there (so much that I'm kinda tired of hearing it), but I'll believe it when I see it.  (Also, the longer this takes, the longer I we have to put off baby #2 - which much to Justin's chagrin, I've been pushing for.  (Hard to believe after my difficult journey with Kayla.))
6. Once Justin finds a job, we have to find someplace to live.  Probably another year of renting, which just means moving 2 more times in the next year or so.  *Sigh*
7. Finding a pediatrician we like and an in home daycare when we have no idea where we will be living.  (I prefer in home for part time care since I may be the one picking her up and it will be later at night.)

There are too many to even list.  And last night, Kayla slept until 6 am, when I fed her quick and put her back down and she slept until 8.  This makes me very happy, but also kinda livid upset at the same time because we are going to yank her crib away from her this weekend for the move.  I kinda just want to have a good cry, and this rainy weather isn't helping.

Color or Black and White?