We are our own worst critic, right?

Today I am thankful that I am still able to breastfeed Kayla, at least part time.

I am thankful for this because I was afraid it was going to have to end while we were on vacation.

Every time I think my supply has decreased, or Kayla just doesn't seem to want to nurse, I get really upset about it and I've been thinking about why that may be.  There are so many debates on breast versus bottle, and honestly I think it's stupid.  Yes, I know all the benefits to breastfeeding your baby.  I was a nutrition major, I work in health care, and all these reasons are why it was so important to me to push through that early horror stage I had with Kayla.  But I also understand that there are many reasons mothers may not be able to breastfeed, or may choose not to.  And I support all my fellow mothers in their decisions on what is best for them and their babies.  So why is it so hard for me to give myself the same support should we need to switch completely to formula?

I thought about it a lot while we were in Hawaii.  Since I started working, we've decreased to only nursing in the morning and before bed, even though this is only one time less a day than before I started working.  I am ok with this because I know I can't do anything about it.  When I am home, she literally would not latch/nurse during the day when I tried, and she wouldn't even drink a bottle of breast milk.  So I also stopped worrying about pumping during work.  While we were in Hawaii, she starting being very uninterested in nursing, especially at night.  I was worried my supply was dropping quickly (since I didn't bring my pump) and that I would have to stop breastfeeding.

The thought of it makes me want to cry and here is why.  Yes, I love that it is Kayla and my little "thing" that literally no one else can do with her.  I love the time that we've had to bond.  But what really bothers me is this:  When I started working and Justin was home with her, there are things that she does now that make me feel a little less important to her; like reaching for him and whining at night when I come home to put her to bed.  Or not eating or going down for a nap for me, only for him.  And if I have to stop breastfeeding, I fear that it's like I'm just not needed at all anymore.  Like I'm totally insignificant in her life.  I know it's an exaggeration and it's totally ridiculous, but it's how I honestly feel.

So, for today, I'm thankful that I still have my special time with Kayla, even if it's limited.

P.S. Look at this cutie today!