To write or not to write...

So, I am not going to really update you on my cloth diapering experience much today.  Although, I now own the equivalent of 29-30 cloth diapers (that sounds like a lot but I'm kinda into it now and could buy more if we had the money...and I still do laundry every other day.)  We are almost exclusively cloth diapering except at night, because I'm afraid.  I have this fear that she is going to wake up in the middle of the night, not because she is hungry but because she is a heavy wetter.  My yoga/cloth diapering mom friend, Elle, suggested I "double stuff" the pocket in the diaper...basically put another layer of insert in to soak up some extra wetness.  Maybe we'll try it out soon.  But I will update soon about my newest cloth diapering experiences.

But the purpose of this post is something really totally different.  Initially, I started this blog so that our (read "my") large family can sort of stay up to date on the goings on in our little family's life since they are so far away.  I started to use it as my sounding board for my excessive sarcastic wit during my pregnancy (well, I think I'm funny :)).  Then when Kayla came, I still have those sarcastic posts but I have felt a little bit lost on what exactly to write about, therefore, not writing as much as I would like to as this is sort of my journal.  I finally feel like I'm ready to talk about why I think this is.

I've recently received comments from a few friends who have told me they really love my blog because I have a "tell it like it is" attitude.  I don't B.S., as they feel that a lot of times, new moms are so doting and in love with their perfect lives and their perfect babies (I'm paraphrasing here.)  I can't tell you how nice it is to hear from relatively distant friends how much they love reading my blog.  So in the spirit of full disclosure...

I'm pretty sure I've had a mild form of post-partum depression since Kayla was born.  It started out as baby blues, and nerves and lack of confidence and just general anxiety for something that was thrust upon me sort of when I wasn't ready for it quite yet.  Then it lingered, and lingered, and lingered still.  I've been denying it because there have been so many ups and downs and unless you are a mom who has had it, you wouldn't understand how hard it is to admit.  Because how can you possibly be depressed when you were just blessed with this amazing miracle, right?  And if you know me at all, I'm a total perfectionist, and I'm stubborn and I like to get my way and always be right.  I can admit my flaws.  So for me, having PPD really wasn't an option in my mind.

But EVERYTHING made me cry, and sometimes still does.  I have a hard time falling asleep at night because of anxiety about how long I'll be able to sleep and, now, if Kayla will roll onto her stomach in her swaddle (which she seems to be really good at) and suffocate herself.  I feel like I'm a different woman than I was when my husband married me, and not always in a good way.  I feel like somewhere in this journey, I lost myself, and it took me a long time to find myself so it's a little frustrating.  I still get frustrated with Kayla when I'm trying to put her down for a nap when I know she is tired and she just won't stay asleep.  Then I feel severe guilt because, come on Melissa, she's just a baby.  Sometimes, I don't want to leave the house when she is fussy, and sometimes, I just get so lonely during the day.  Sometimes, I feel like a terrible mom because I just am so frustrated and upset I have to put her down to just let her cry because I need a second to breathe.  Sometimes, I just want a 15 minute nap.

BUT...

It's getting a lot better.  I don't think it helps that our lives are in limbo right now.  I want this little stage to end.  I want to be settled in one place with my family so we can develop OUR way of doing things and figure out what works for us.  I am so blessed with an amazing husband who would and is doing everything he can for me and our daughter.  I am blessed with an awesome family who is always there if I need them.  And I am blessed with the most perfect daughter, despite the lack of sleeping and the neediness.

So, I'm so glad I can use this blog as a sounding board to get my feelings out.  And I'm even more glad that it is enjoyed by at least a few people.  I'm thankful I can vent and write about the difficult parts of being a new mom, but I also hope that those that read this blog see that I truly love my family, my daughter and my life, even when things are really hard.  I'm glad I can be totally honest about everything, because in the end, I wouldn't change one single second of it if I couldn't have Kayla.