Regret

I've been thinking a lot about regret recently.  Next Sunday, Kayla will be 4 months old, and already there are so many things I wish I could go back and redo.  We have started this sleep training and she is still struggling falling asleep for naps, but nighttime has been a million times better, and naps are significantly longer.  Now she is sleeping all the time, it feels like.  And she is so much happier and more alert when she is awake.  This combination is making me really wish she wasn't sleeping so much and I could spend a lot more time with her.  I know I was just complaining about the lack of sleep and now I want her to play with me more, but you can't fault a Mom for wanting to spend every second of every day with her learning, growing, giggling daughter.



Four months ago, so many drastically different things were important to me.  I had a very detailed list of t.v. shows each night of the week that I needed to watch.  I was trying to figure out where to go and what to do on the weekends (and what to drink.)  Of course, my husband and my family were and still are very important, but that's not my point.  Now, I could care less what is on the t.v. and I don't think I've actually watched a full show or movie in 4 months.  I don't need to know what happened to Gabby on desperate housewives or House, or the endless reality stars on all of my guilt pleasure reality shows.  I just don't care, because listening to the sound of my daughter giggling and seeing that little smile that melts my heart is so much more important than what's happening on Glee (although I still like this one, and Kayla likes the music.)



Anyhow, back to regrets.  I would give my right arm to go back 4 months and prepare myself better for the arrival of our daughter, so I could have coped better with all the huge changes.  I wish I would have taken to heart all the information my older patients and my friends and family were throwing at me.  I wish I could go back and write a blog post every day detailing all the amazing new things I was experiencing with Kayla, because now, I'll never be able to remember.  I wish I could go back and take more pictures for myself at the hospital.  I wish I would have insisted on someone taking pictures of me and her instead of scolding my sister for trying to take my picture during labor.



I would have taken classes or learned more about photography much sooner so I could have some amazing photos of my newborn, instead of my amateurish attempts at good photos.  I wish I had forced my camera into the hands of my husband, because I didn't even get a photo of my daughter and me on my first mother's day.



Most of all, I wish I could go back in time and cherish every blessed second of being up with Kayla, working through breastfeeding together, figuring out her personality, learning her sleep patterns and her cries, and cuddling with her every chance I got.



So I have a lot of regrets, but from this moment forward I am so determined to make my life into what I want it to be despite every "down" moment.  I can guarantee that I will spend every second that Kayla is now sleeping peacefully researching, reading and learning about photography so I can finally maybe start a little business doing something I truly love.  I promise I will shove the camera into my inexperienced husband's hands, because I don't care if the photo is good; I just want a photo of me and my daughter.  I know that as Kayla learns to put herself to sleep, her tears tear at my heartstrings like nothing I could have ever imagined, but that smiley happy baby that wakes up from a long restful nap and smiles at me and hugs me makes it all worth it.

And I can't wait.  I can't wait to have a semi-fresh start and minimize my regrets and maximize my happiness by not worrying about the insignificant things and by focusing on what I truly want for my life and my family, instead of what I think I'm supposed to be doing.