Sunday, December 2, 2012

Go the Eff to Sleep

* Disclaimer for my grandparents: you may want to look the other way and not read this post.  There are not really any updates on Kayla and Brody, and I can't take responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth in my current state.

So, here I am.  Sitting on the bathroom floor with my laptop on my lap and the door locked.  I'm thinking about starting the shower (even though I've already taken a blissful 15 minute shower all by my lonesome) just to drown out any noise (read: crying) that might be coming from the other side of the door.  We (read: all four of us) have been up since 5:11.  Yep, 5:11 exactly.  We are on day 4 of Kayla having some sort of cold thing (the day after Brody had some sort of stomach thing).  She has decided naps aren't important and that waking up at 5 am (earlier every day) is ok.  She is coughing through the night and very clearly overtired, but still won't sleep.  She's irritable and a little cranky (much more than her normal bubbly happy self.)  There are a number of things that could be causing this: the cold, potty training (I think she might be waking up when she is wet or has to go), teeth, going back to day care, pure hatred of her parents.  But frankly, what's the point of trying to figure it out?  Because it's not like I can do anything about it.

We are on day 16 or something of Brody deciding naps aren't cool if they are longer than 30-35 minutes and his sleeping at night sucks too.  Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve TWO kids (out of two by the way, I'm batting 1.000) who fool me with the nice sleeping ways for two fucking months and then turn on me and become the devil?  Because I'm starting to believe it's me.  I have to be doing something wrong, right?  I must just not be a very good mother of little babies...

(Sorry, my little fortress was just invaded and I got a little side tracked...back to my point(s) or lack there of.)  Also, Brody had a stomach virus on Thursday so I had to miss my second day back at work, and now he has some sort of cold with Kayla.  (Things they don't tell you before you have kids, especially more than one, your house becomes a cesspool of infection.)  Again, there are a number of things his poor sleep can be contributed to: gas, teeth, learning to roll over, sickness, hunger/growth spurt, going to day care, pure hatred of his parents. And again, I'm over trying to figure out these selfish little people they call babies and toddlers.  Because it's a waste of precious brain power which I'm losing by the millisecond.

So here is my mind's thought process at the moment:

What is the definition of clinical insanity:
A generally non-medical term referring to mental illnesses which are so severe and debilitating that they prevent a person from functioning in a lawful, socially acceptable manner. (Sounds like parenthood to me.)

So...
What are the symptoms of clinical insanity?
  • previous history of mental illness (does PPD count?)
  • previous history of alcohol or drug abuse (does college count?)
  • aggression (I definitely want to hit something...notice I said something and not someone.)
  • emotional lability (um yes, this morning Justin and I laughed and then I cried, and cried, and cried.)
  • increased energy (nope, not this one)
  • elevated and/or suspicious mood (I have nothing clever to say...)
  • thoughts of conspiracy (hell yes, my kids are conspiring.  Brody can't even talk and doesn't even know where his hands and feet are but he's definitely communicating with Kayla about how they are going to have me committed.)
  • hallucination (you mean there's no such thing as a sleep fairy?)
  • delusions (I believe my kids will start napping and sleeping through the night to become the happy cheery kids I used to have.  This is apparently a delusion.)
Holy shit, I'm clinically insane!  

So...
What are the treatments:
  • withdrawal of causative agents (removal of my kids?  yes please.)
  • supportive therapy (like my husband?  or like wine?)
  • Sedation (um...yes please, did you miss the part in this post where we aren't getting any sleep?)
  • drugs (yes please.)
I told my kids they are lucky they are cute because otherwise I'd be trading them in for new versions.  

We (Justin and I) have spent the morning mostly making a lot of jokes and trying to laugh it off.  Among them:
  • Kayla is old enough to babysit right?
  • FedEx is having a shipping special on packages under 50 pounds.  Our kids weigh under 40 pounds combined.
  • Maybe we should make a quick drive by and toss them at my parents and run the other direction. Surprise!  Have fun with your monsters of grandkids!

I think I've been putting on a brave face.  I truly believe they were both pretty easy for a couple months there.  And then when things turn bad, it's hard to admit they are bad because A.) you don't want people to think bad things about your kids, no matter how many bad things you are thinking about them yourself and B.) because it makes you feel like a bad parent, no matter that you know it's nothing you did.  Obviously, the majority of this post is a joke.  I am very lucky that despite the lack of sleep, my kids are relatively pleasant to be around still.  Brody's still smiling big and Kayla is still giggling with me.  I'm just really afraid they won't be the same if they keep refusing sleep.  And I'm also afraid I might actually be committed for pulling my own hair out of my head one by one.  

Luckily, I don't feel too much depression seeping in.  (It's more rage. :))  It's also funny because I know that it will end eventually (especially things with Brody having been through it with Kayla), but when you are in the throws of 5ish hours of sleep in short spurts, it's damn near impossible to remember.  And with Kayla, I'm still not sure it's going to end no matter what people say because I haven't experienced it myself yet.  I'm writing all this in hopes I can give some comfort to someone else.  You aren't alone if you are feeling that your kids are driving you insane, whether it's from lack of sleep or something else.  They probably are. :)  But in the end, those selfish little buggers are the love of your life.  So what can you do but just go with it.

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They look so sweet and innocent.  Don't let them fool you.
Also, turns out, I didn't swear too much so yay for me.  I'm pretty sure that is because I got interrupted and completely lost my train of thought and forgot many things I wanted to say.  I had some delusions of grandeur (clinically insane) that this post was going to be hilarious, which it would have been if I could just remember anything.  Kids and lack of sleep...

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