So I was slightly overwhelmed with getting pregnant the first time, but most of this was due to Kayla being a complete surprise, as you may recall. This time around, we were actually trying. Well, we didn't have to "try" for very long so I guess that was a bit of a surprise, but still, we were at least semi prepared. No one tells you that even when you are trying, getting pregnant is a bit of a shock and comes with a whole slew of thoughts and emotions. First, you look at the pregnancy test and think, Yes, I'm pregnant! I'm so excited. Shortly after, you think ALL of this (at least this is how it feels to me):
First, you think about pregnancy, labor, and actually having two kids instead of just one:
- I have to go through 9-10 months of getting fat and all those annoying pregnancy symptoms again (for me, this was more about getting fat, when I never really felt I got back into shape to begin with, since I actually loved being pregnant with Kayla.)
- If this baby is overdue too I think I might die.
- Don't think for a second I forgot about the pain of labor.
- This time, try being huge and hot through the summer while you are at it.
- Remember all that post partum bleeding...oh yay!
- There were all those breast feeding problems too (throwing up blood twice, the pain)
- Don't forget the post partum depression, which when you have it one time, it becomes very scary that it will happen again. And Lord knows you don't want to have all the regrets you had last time.
- These kids are NOT going to sleep/nap at the same times. I am never going to sleep. Will Kayla still sleep through the night or is everything in her head going to be completely messed up? Do you KNOW how long it took to get Kayla to sleep through the night??
- Day care for 2 kids, can we even afford that? Can we even afford 2 kids period?
To be honest, this first portion is the least of my worries and emotional concerns. We will figure things out, just like we did the first time around. I will do anything I have to for my family and my babies.
Then you think about how you are completely uprooting the life of this little person you love so much:
- How is it even possible to love another human being as much as you love your first baby?
- I am completely uprooting her life, will she still be my happy, smiley, social baby who is relatively easy and almost always enjoyable to be around?
- Will she still know how much I love her, or will she think I love her less when BH2 comes?
- She won't be my baby anymore. This is all moving a little too fast for me.
- I feel bad because I was such a wreck when she was little and I'm going to feel bad if I'm "better" with baby #2 than I was with her.
Then you think about how much less this new baby will get than your first baby:
- I got to spend 8 months with Kayla without having to go back to work. This is completely not feasible this time around and in fact I may need to go back to work even earlier than I would like.
- BH2 will never get as much 1 on 1 time with either of us as Kayla got.
- Will BH2 know how much I love him/her when I have to split my time between 2 babies?
- Will I be able to breastfeed as long as I did with Kayla when I have to go back to work SO much earlier? Can I even pump that much at work?
- BH2 won't get to spend the quality time with family that Kayla got.
Not to mention how do you make time for the FIRST person you loved in your family, your amazing husband, who has been such an incredible dad and father and husband? How do you show your appreciation and love to him?
Then, finally, you get to the selfish part and think, "How in the world am I going to find ANY time for myself and my goals and what I want to do?" You know, things like actually feeling good about the way your body looks by eating better and working out, reading, finding friends and actually getting to see them, showering.
I know this post may be slightly depressing but I really needed to get it out. And there's something I realized in talking to some friends about all of this: ALL of these fears and worries are pretty much par for the course. Not everyone may feel the emotional struggle as much as others, but the thoughts cross almost every pregnant-for-the-second-time moms mind. So knowing all these worries I have, I made a few small goals to keep my mind on the positives and ways to actively make sure my family knows I love them. Because, in my head, I know many of my worries and fears are pretty silly. I mean, I'm the second child, so I really hope both my Mom and my older sister love me and have since the day I was born. :)
I want to make sure I spend some time alone with Kayla, especially when BH2 is little and requires so much of my time and attention. I want to make sure Justin gets to spend quality time with both kids too. And I want to make sure that Justin and I get to spend time together without our kids. It seems like a very simple solution to the major worries I have, but the more I keep telling myself how important it is to get quality time with my whole family, the better I feel and more capable I feel to get through this.
I also want to make some mommy friends this summer so I have a small network of support close to me who I can talk to after BH2 comes. I want to make it a priority to get out of the house with both kids more than I did with Kayla when she was little so I feel like a normal human being who participates in society. I want to not be afraid to ask for help or support from my family, who we moved here to be closer to.
I think of all the fears I mentioned about, my biggest is that Kayla will somehow feel less loved by me, and I absolutely refuse to let that happen. I loved her more than I could imagine loving anyone the minute she was born and my love for her has only grown over the last 16 months. I will not let her feel otherwise.
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