What happens when I become overwhelmed...

I am generally a very motivated, driven person, but the past 2 weeks in our new house have really taken their toll on me.  I know I haven't written and the reason is that when I become overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and just do what I need to do to get through each day.  Which has been hard in and of itself as now I'm getting so little sleep that I'm sick.

Kayla is really not a fan of new day care.  Both kids were sick week 1 and not sleeping great at all.  Brody started to get better, while Kayla started to get worse.  I'm pretty sure Kayla was feeling abandoned.  Then Brody get really bad, like waking up every hour literally bad.  I ended up taking them to the doctor because I was desperate for some help.  The doctor didn't help much.  Although we now have a referral to an ENT for Kayla's constant ear infections.

The mess in the house is driving me crazy but, like I said, when I'm overwhelmed I do the bare minimum.  I can feel that pesky post partum depression creeping up.  If we had any money to spare right now, I'd be paying for the best sleep consultant there is.  They wake each other up, Brody screams bloody murder at night for no reason.  Kayla is sleeping better, but how can we let Brody "cry-it-out" if he's going to wake her up?

I'm starting to feel like I'm just inadequate at mothering babies that sleep.  Why do I have, not one, but two of the worse sleepers ever?  Anyways, just letting you know I'm here and overwhelmed and hopefully will be back shortly.

Sickness and Sleep

Too much of the former and not enough of the latter.  

So 2.5 weeks ago at Brody's sixth month check, we found out both kids had double ear infections.  Ugh.  I thought we were past this.  Ok, so fine, they both get put on Amoxicillin (good thing this is SUPER cheap with my prescription drug coverage.)  

Fast forward 4 days, Brody got a fever of almost 103.  After 36-48 hours we ended up at the doctor's office because she was worried the medicine wasn't helping his ear infections.  Which it was.  He apparently had some other sort of virus causing him to be so congested he literally couldn't breathe at all through his nose (which makes for very annoying nursing relationship, chest congestion and upset stomach.  He also decided he wasn't interested in eating solid foods anymore.  At all.  After four days of a fever of around 103 despite regularly giving him Tylenol, it finally broke.  Then he was SUPER cold and clammy for a few days.

So for Easter, we were all healthy.  We went to see the Easter bunny, enjoyed some time at our favorite appliance store in preparation for our impending move.

Come Tuesday when the kids went to daycare, I got a text at work saying Kayla had a fever.  So now Kayla has whatever Brody had.  (She actually threw up when she woke up from her nap today which is why I totally lost my train of thought on this post.)  We are sure if it's a virus, a concussion or a combination of the two since she got a huge goose egg on her head at my parents house on Easter Sunday.  She was in the laundry room and quickly turned and (we think) her her head on the door handle.  Honestly, she isn't great about watching where she is walking so I have a feeling we will have a lot of goose eggs in our future.  Needless to say, we are monitoring her closely to make sure she doesn't have a head injury.  We still aren't convinced.  Hopefully all will be well once we move into our new house this weekend.

My little man and me Easter weekend.

Kayla in the bubble machine at the appliance store (yes the appliance store is AMAZE-BALLS)

Kayla's fresh goose egg...the other picture my mom took was significantly funnier but I'm not mean enough to post it. 

Little man is very very mobile now and enjoys exploring his new environments.

This is what Kayla looks like EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we leave Gigi and Papa's house.  I probably have about 15 photos just like this.

Yesterday, on the way home from daycare after picking up the kiddos, I was very concerned about Kayla's blank stares and not responding to me.  But I couldn't help but chuckle a little as I drove and heard quietly in the backseat the "zzzzziiiiiiipppppp"  and "bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" of Brody pulling on this zebra vibrating car seat toy.  He crawls to his car seat to try to pull it while at home too.  :)

Firemen

I was all set to post today about some of our favorite recipes we have made since we (I) started weight watchers, or to post about moms and selfishness (oxymoron), but instead, I thought I'd tell you about the crazy day I had and post some more awesome photos by Jordann Tomasek Photography...

So, I know this is going to jinx it (but frankly, I'm not hoping it will happen again anyways), but Brody slept through the night last night.  Not that 8 hours crap that "sleep experts" (whoever they are) call sleeping through the night.  Like actually from 6:30 until 6 am without waking once.  We've tried EVERYTHING under the sun to get this kid to sleep, literally.  If you recall, I read every sleep book on the market with Kayla.  Nothing worked with Brody.  Nothing even made the slightest dent towards longer sleep stretches.  He would wake up every 2 hours or so after 1 am (sometimes earlier).  Every night.  No matter what.

So last week, I decided to try dream feeding and to give it an entire week before giving up and marking it a failure as well.  5 days made no difference.  2 nights ago, we decided to move Brody's bedtime up 30 minutes (like earlier, because despite common sense, sleep books will all tell you to move bedtime earlier if you want them to sleep later/longer.)  He was starting to become unbearably fussy between the hours of 4 and 6 pm.  So last night, something must have clicked.  Or maybe Justin and I are so exhausted that we didn't hear him screaming (unlikely).  No matter, he slept awesome.

So today, with renewed energy, I took the kids to work for a visit after Brody's first nap of the day.  On our way home, Brody was kinda fussy and starting to fade fast.  Even though he was likely asleep for a bit, I decided to try to transfer him from the car seat to the crib so he would get a better nap in.  Miraculously, this worked like a charm.  So I made Kayla and I lunch prior to her nap time.

Fast forward 20-25 minutes and the fire alarm starts going off in our condo building.  WTF.  You are kidding me right??  So, a little flustered (and in shorts and a t-shirt), I run to check on Brody.  Still passed the eff out.  Seriously.  I run back to the living area and Kayla is just looking at me wide eyed, while the alarms are blaring...bleep...bleep...BLEEP...BLEEEEEEPPP.  So I decide to look out into the hallway to determine the best course of action.  Because when you are a mom, you realize that if there isn't a fire, waking the baby is really non negotiable.

No one in the hallway, but I can smell some smoke...almost like someone burned some food.  I run back to check on Brody...still sleeping.  Check on Kayla...still confused.  Check the hallway again, two ladies are out asking what is going on and it seems they both decide to evacuate.  Well damn, do I really have to wake up Brody.

Go back inside, Kayla is now crying because she is scared shitless.  I get her out of the booster seat, tell her it's going to be ok and I need her to put on her shoes as I run to get Brody.  She screams and follows after me.

I tell her it's ok again and I help her put on her shirt (yes she took it off), I throw on my jeans and shoes and get her rain boots on her.  I check the hallway again to see if there is any progression of smoke or smell or anything.  None.

Honestly, my mind is very torn at this point.  Waking up the baby who is finally sleeping better seems like it needs to be a last resort.  But being a mom, I decide that I should probably evacuate with my kids because otherwise Justin will be pissed if he loses his wife and kids because I wanted the baby to keep sleeping better safe than sorry.  So I tell Kayla to grab her blanket while I get Brody and his blanket to keep him warm outside.  I sweep Kayla up into my arms, grab my purse, keys and phone and run down the stairs to get outside.

Five seconds after I get outside where there are a bunch of trunks and firemen and residents all over, one fireman says, "Ok you can all go back inside now if you want."

Me, "SERIOUSLY!?!?!"  One lady laughed at me because I said that out loud.  I chatted for a minute with another mom who said there was definitely smoke on the 3rd floor in the hallways.  I ran back upstairs and put Kayla down (she was still whimpering) and ran to put Brody back down in his crib in hopes he would go back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Kayla says to me, "Kayla sleep too."  Um...ok.  You don't have to twist my arm.  So after potty time, books and signing, Kayla is asleep, Brody has miraculously fallen BACK asleep and I'm free to eat lunch and enjoy some quiet time.  But not before Kayla made sure I knew the situation was "scary" a million times.

Definitely a weird last 24 hours...

Negativity

So I know I haven't been blogging much lately.  I was thinking about it today, because I have a long list of posts I have been meaning to write, but I just haven't been concerned with sitting down and doing it. I think the reason why is because I really haven't been feeling very positive about much lately.  I pride myself on telling things like they are, but I don't want my blog to be all about the bad stuff.

House hunting is frustrating.
Brody refuses to sleep, like it feels hardly at all.
My job is kinda blah right now.
Kayla is sometimes really trying my patience and tolerance.

I described it this morning to Justin as "just feeling like the worst version of myself."  I'm trying very hard to get out of my funk so I'm listing some great things on my blog today.

Kayla is back to her normal sleeping self for the most part.  Sleeping great at night and taking pretty good naps for the most part.

Brody is still a pretty happy baby learning new things every second it seems.  Today I felt his first tooth which I'm blaming the poor sleep on.  I keep having to remind myself with kids that if it's not one thing it's another (hungry, wet/dirty, teeth, growth spurt, milestone, sickness...)  I am keeping at the back of my mind possibly calling in a sleep expert's opinion as he is worse than Kayla.  Guess I just got unlucky.  I've also thought about infant chiropractic care...any have any experience with this?

Both kids and Justin are healthy as far as I know.

I have lost 20 pounds by changing my eating habits and I'm actually loving learning to cook for my family.

I'm ready to get back to working out and signed up for a groupon for spin classes which I'm hoping to start doing soon.

My kids seem happy despite my frustrations and my annoyance with always having to pick up a million effing toys a million times a day.  No, I'm not exaggerating.

Trying to take a shower and make myself somewhat presentable every day makes me feel a little bit better.

I have the best husband in the world.

My family is close by and are almost always more than willing to help me out with my kids if I need a break.

See, so much more good than bad.  It's hard to see that 4 times between 7 pm and 7 am.

Kayla normally acts like I'm the freakin' paparazzi yelling "no pictures" when I pull out my camera...unless I'm taking a picture of Brody.  Then she wants in. :)

Who Needs Sleep Part Deux

Good God, I'm tired.  And so very very frustrated.  I'm an honestly doing my damned-est to stay positive through all of this but it's becoming increasingly difficult.  Many of you followed me through my sleep troubles with Kayla, and Brody is turning the same direction.

I'll tell you something, he only eats once a night between 7 and 7-7:30.  This sounds fabulous right?  Until I tell you that he wakes up about 3 times at least besides those times.  And last night, it took 2 hours to get him back to sleep (which is has NEVER taken, since he's been born.)  I'm still staying as positive as possible since today he started rolling from his back to his stomach, so I'm guessing that is part of the problem.  I'm also pretty sure he's getting his bottom teeth.  And I KNOW he has a lot of gas.  

I think the gas is the most frustrating for me because I can tell it's really bothering him.  Especially at about 5:30 am when he's screaming in pain.  Every day.  I think more than staying positive, I'm just trying to enjoy the time when he is little, even if there are some things that are a real pain in the ass.  (I'm really praying that the doctor doesn't tell me to give up breastfeeding next week to help with the gas.  I hope she has a different solution because I'm not quite ready for that.  But I have a whole other post stewing in my brain about sleep and breastfeeding...sort of.) :)

In other, much nicer news:

Over Christmas, friends of ours were in town from Washington DC.  I met E when I was training for my first Team in Training event, the Nation's Triathlon.  She and T had just moved to DC and we clicked right away.  Plus she's an MU grad and from the Chicago area.  We haven't seen each other since her first son's first birthday (he's now 2.5...well almost).  Her son share the same birthday!  How crazy it that.  It was really great to see her and her little family.  I can't wait to see them again!

Here are some pictures I snapped (and she took a few too).  

Kayla loved dancing with Erin to the jukebox tunes. 

Kayla and J loved the light switches.

And the phone.

This is E and T's second son, G.  :)  That's a lot of letters for you.  He's a month older than Brody...but smaller ;).

I'm glad I was able to snap this adorable picture of J.

Almost all of us, minus G who was napping. :) And clearly Kayla needs a nap.

Go the Eff to Sleep

* Disclaimer for my grandparents: you may want to look the other way and not read this post.  There are not really any updates on Kayla and Brody, and I can't take responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth in my current state.

So, here I am.  Sitting on the bathroom floor with my laptop on my lap and the door locked.  I'm thinking about starting the shower (even though I've already taken a blissful 15 minute shower all by my lonesome) just to drown out any noise (read: crying) that might be coming from the other side of the door.  We (read: all four of us) have been up since 5:11.  Yep, 5:11 exactly.  We are on day 4 of Kayla having some sort of cold thing (the day after Brody had some sort of stomach thing).  She has decided naps aren't important and that waking up at 5 am (earlier every day) is ok.  She is coughing through the night and very clearly overtired, but still won't sleep.  She's irritable and a little cranky (much more than her normal bubbly happy self.)  There are a number of things that could be causing this: the cold, potty training (I think she might be waking up when she is wet or has to go), teeth, going back to day care, pure hatred of her parents.  But frankly, what's the point of trying to figure it out?  Because it's not like I can do anything about it.

We are on day 16 or something of Brody deciding naps aren't cool if they are longer than 30-35 minutes and his sleeping at night sucks too.  Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve TWO kids (out of two by the way, I'm batting 1.000) who fool me with the nice sleeping ways for two fucking months and then turn on me and become the devil?  Because I'm starting to believe it's me.  I have to be doing something wrong, right?  I must just not be a very good mother of little babies...

(Sorry, my little fortress was just invaded and I got a little side tracked...back to my point(s) or lack there of.)  Also, Brody had a stomach virus on Thursday so I had to miss my second day back at work, and now he has some sort of cold with Kayla.  (Things they don't tell you before you have kids, especially more than one, your house becomes a cesspool of infection.)  Again, there are a number of things his poor sleep can be contributed to: gas, teeth, learning to roll over, sickness, hunger/growth spurt, going to day care, pure hatred of his parents. And again, I'm over trying to figure out these selfish little people they call babies and toddlers.  Because it's a waste of precious brain power which I'm losing by the millisecond.

So here is my mind's thought process at the moment:

What is the definition of clinical insanity:
A generally non-medical term referring to mental illnesses which are so severe and debilitating that they prevent a person from functioning in a lawful, socially acceptable manner. (Sounds like parenthood to me.)

So...
What are the symptoms of clinical insanity?

• previous history of mental illness (does PPD count?)
• previous history of alcohol or drug abuse (does college count?)
• aggression (I definitely want to hit something...notice I said something and not someone.)
• emotional lability (um yes, this morning Justin and I laughed and then I cried, and cried, and cried.)
• increased energy (nope, not this one)
• elevated and/or suspicious mood (I have nothing clever to say...)
• thoughts of conspiracy (hell yes, my kids are conspiring.  Brody can't even talk and doesn't even know where his hands and feet are but he's definitely communicating with Kayla about how they are going to have me committed.)
• hallucination (you mean there's no such thing as a sleep fairy?)
• delusions (I believe my kids will start napping and sleeping through the night to become the happy cheery kids I used to have.  This is apparently a delusion.)

Holy shit, I'm clinically insane!  

So...

What are the treatments:

• withdrawal of causative agents (removal of my kids?  yes please.)
• supportive therapy (like my husband?  or like wine?)
• Sedation (um...yes please, did you miss the part in this post where we aren't getting any sleep?)
• drugs (yes please.)

I told my kids they are lucky they are cute because otherwise I'd be trading them in for new versions.  

We (Justin and I) have spent the morning mostly making a lot of jokes and trying to laugh it off.  Among them:

• Kayla is old enough to babysit right?
• FedEx is having a shipping special on packages under 50 pounds.  Our kids weigh under 40 pounds combined.
• Maybe we should make a quick drive by and toss them at my parents and run the other direction. Surprise!  Have fun with your monsters of grandkids!

I think I've been putting on a brave face.  I truly believe they were both pretty easy for a couple months there.  And then when things turn bad, it's hard to admit they are bad because A.) you don't want people to think bad things about your kids, no matter how many bad things you are thinking about them yourself and B.) because it makes you feel like a bad parent, no matter that you know it's nothing you did.  Obviously, the majority of this post is a joke.  I am very lucky that despite the lack of sleep, my kids are relatively pleasant to be around still.  Brody's still smiling big and Kayla is still giggling with me.  I'm just really afraid they won't be the same if they keep refusing sleep.  And I'm also afraid I might actually be committed for pulling my own hair out of my head one by one.  

Luckily, I don't feel too much depression seeping in.  (It's more rage. :))  It's also funny because I know that it will end eventually (especially things with Brody having been through it with Kayla), but when you are in the throws of 5ish hours of sleep in short spurts, it's damn near impossible to remember.  And with Kayla, I'm still not sure it's going to end no matter what people say because I haven't experienced it myself yet.  I'm writing all this in hopes I can give some comfort to someone else.  You aren't alone if you are feeling that your kids are driving you insane, whether it's from lack of sleep or something else.  They probably are. :)  But in the end, those selfish little buggers are the love of your life.  So what can you do but just go with it.

They look so sweet and innocent.  Don't let them fool you.

Also, turns out, I didn't swear too much so yay for me.  I'm pretty sure that is because I got interrupted and completely lost my train of thought and forgot many things I wanted to say.  I had some delusions of grandeur (clinically insane) that this post was going to be hilarious, which it would have been if I could just remember anything.  Kids and lack of sleep...

Top Five Signs

Kayla has been sleeping better (through the night) for about a month and a half or 2 now.  She was pretty much sleeping 7:30 to 7:30 without any wake ups.  Recently she's been waking up earlier, around 6:30 or so nowadays, and I'm not sure why.  But at least she isn't waking up in the middle of the night.  So I thought for a fun post, I would give you my "Top Five" signs your child has learned that sleep is good.

5.  You don't feel like you could fall asleep while your baby is screaming at the top of his/her lungs.

4.  Sleeping is no longer more important than eating.

3.  I can read more than 3 pages of a book before falling asleep with my Nook in my hands.

2.  I can actually remember words I am trying to think of, things I wanted to do, etc.

And the #1 sign your baby is now sleeping through the night:

1.  Previous train of thought when Kayla started crying in the middle of the night: Holy shit!  What could possibly be wrong now?  I can't believe she won't just sleep!  Why is she torturing us?

Current train of though when Kayla wakes up in the middle of the night (like last night): Oh I guess it's almost 6:30.  *Looks at the clock...3:15 am...What?*

This is ACTUALLY what I thought this morning when Kayla was crying at 3:15.

This is Kayla last week, after I got home from work and she had refused to nap pretty much all day.  I fed her and she literally fell asleep then and there, which she hasn't done in forever.  So I took a picture! :)

Can you give me another sign your baby is sleeping through the night?  (Besides the obvious which Justin pointed out to me, "They don't wake up.")

Sleep Update 7.5 Months

So, we've made some very small strides with sleeping.  Kayla now pretty much takes 2 relatively regular naps, the first one between 9 and 9:30 usually and the second one usually between 1:30 and 2:30.  the naps are usually around an hour 15 and an hour and a half, sometimes shorter sometimes longer, but I'm just glad we sort of have some semblance of a schedule.

As for night time sleeping, I hate you.  We weaned the night feeding last week and now she will usually wake up around 4 am and one of us can usually get her back to sleep, sometimes it takes 45 minutes and sometimes less.  One night over the weekend this one wake up was at 2 am instead of 4 and she was up for quite a bit longer.  I'm attributing this to teething.  I am pretty positive she's getting the middle top 2 teeth and the 2 around the bottom middle ones.  The other nice thing is that once we get her to sleep, she usually stays asleep until morning time.  

We are trying to push her bedtime to 7:30 instead of 7 so that when I head back to work in a few weeks I may be able to get home and feed her most nights.  This slightly later bedtime is a little rough at night, however it's totally paying off in the morning.  She now usually sleeps a little bit later, until around 7 or 7:30, when before it was 6:30.  It's actually pretty amazing how much better it is to see a 7 instead of a 6 in the morning! :)

From all of this sleep, or lack there of, I've learned something...shocker I know.  I've learned patience, but also something more important, how to give up control.  I definitely think that parents can have a big impact on their baby's sleeping habits, but I also know now that there comes a point when you really can't do anything about how your baby sleeps.  Kayla just doesn't need a lot of sleep like most babies.  I have read 4 or 5 sleep books and we have tried literally everything word for word from those books, and she's still not sleeping through the night.  So there is NOT ONE person that will convince me that there is something I haven't tried that will work.  (If you think you are the sleep guru, please give it a try and my likely response will be "Yeah, tried that.")  Plus, now I'm starting to dread the day she will sleep through the night since I kinda like the 5-10 minutes of cuddling time in the middle of the night. 

Not in the mood

I am not in the mood to blog.  I'm not in the mood to talk.  I'm not in the mood to take pictures or video.  I'm really not in the mood to do anything but sleep, or somehow figure out a way to get my 7+ month old to sleep better at night so that her dad and I can get better sleep.  Frankly, I know I'm not fun to be around right now.

Our lives being held in limbo for 5 months, my lack of interaction with anyone besides a 7 month old, my lack of any significant sleep due to a restless baby and being unable to fall asleep after being woken up, they all add up to one thing...

One extremely crabby Mommy.

A recent friend I made, kinda through my blog and kinda through my husband, has had it the worst I've ever heard with sleeping, even worse than me.  Her son is almost 13 months old and just recently started not waking up every 2-3 hours.  She has so kindly passed along her Mombie crown to me...Gee thanks! ;)

And for those trying to figure that out, I did too.  It took me a few minutes but let me help you out:

Zombie + Mom = Mombie

Sorry for the downer post but I'm tired of putting on a front.  Until I'm less crabby...

Double edged sword

If this isn't a double-edged sword, I don't know what is...

I don't think it's any secret my baby isn't the greatest sleeper at night.  I've come to terms with this, but what really rubs me the wrong way is that every time she wakes up at night, it takes me about 1-1.5 hours to fall asleep afterwards.  So I really can't blame Kayla entirely for my sleepiness, but what the heck is to blame?  Maybe stress or thinking about a lot of things.

I guess on the positive side it gives me a lot of alone time to read!  I really have missed reading.  Watch out kindle and Nook color, here I come!


I'd say I find her like this 80% of the time when I go get her from a nap or in the morning.

Side note about my attempt to become a photographer:  I think my biggest milestone at this point in my learning is trying to get my camera to focus on what I want it to and not have a ton of blur from camera shake...any tips?  And please don't tell me to use manual focus...I'm just not there yet. 

PA Trip

Justin's dad's cousin lives in (or near) Clarion, PA.  So two weekends ago (I know I'm a bit behind...editing photos takes me some time) we drove up there to see my in-laws and some of Justin's family.

We left on Friday morning pretty early and drove the 4.5ish hours up to the middle of nowhere, PA.  I joked with them that the closest Best Buy was like an hour and a half away.  Really?!?  Well, "Is there a Starbucks here?" I asked...because everyone knows there is a Starbucks EVERYWHERE.  There was one there if you must know.  :)

Anyways, we got there around lunch time on Friday, after a stop at our favorite road trip food source, Sheetz.  We had lunch, played, ate dinner, played...you get the point.  Kayla is full of life nowadays, despite the lack of sleep.  She and her grandpa laughed over a beach ball for about 30 minutes.  She is so entertaining.  Friday night bedtime went pretty much as usual.  Kayla woke up at around 10 crying, so I just fed her and she went right back to sleep.  When Justin and I headed to bed shortly after that, she woke up crying at 11:15 (we managed to get her back to sleep) and 12:15, after which she would cry every time we tried to put her back in the crib.  Basically, she was up and ready to play, FOR 3 HOURS.  I'm not kidding, she was up for 3 hours straight.  I rocked her, walked around with her, laid down with her, we tried everything...and it was miserable.  By far the worst night of her short life.  I finally fed her again at 3ish and went into the other room.  Justin offered to stay up with her while I slept for a bit then we would switch.  Well, apparently she fell asleep shortly after I fed her and Justin was able to sleep for a bit.  On Saturday, everyone else went to watch a little tikes soccer game while Justin and I stayed back to nap while Kayla slept.  And she sure did sleep...she took 2 very long naps (which hadn't been happening AT ALL prior to this.)

What is amazing to me is that, even though she is seriously a terrible sleeper, she still manages to be smiley and giggly and fun during the day when she is up.  I guess I'm blessed by that fact at least...even if I'm exhausted.  The rest of the weekend pretty much involved eating and more playing cards and playing with Kayla.  There was also a birthday party thrown in there.  After that night, she has been slightly back to her normal with sleeping.  I'm still awaiting the day I'm not up at least 1-2 times with her every night.  Oh well, minus Friday night it was a fun weekend.  Enjoy the photos.  :)

On the way up...this is what I look at in the rear view mirror when I'm driving Miss Kayla

Giraffe leggings with onesie...haha

Kayla with Grandma and Grandpa Hales

She literally puts everything and anything in her mouth

Slowly but surely learning to drink from a cup/sippy cup

Family photo

Kicking and playing with her car seat on the way home

P.S. I made these photos really small AND saved them for the web, and they are STILL blurry!!!  Suck it, blogger.