Selfish Moms: An Oxymoron

A long while back I was planning to write this post and have been thinking about it ever since.  Today seems like a good day to me since I have a new story.

Within a week in January, two mommy bloggers I read had written about different parenting topics and negative commenters on their blogs calling them selfish, etc.  This got me thinking, is there even such a thing as a selfish mom?  (Obviously yes I know there probably are selfish moms, but people that actually WANT to be moms, it's like nearly impossible to be selfish.)

Topic #1: Cry It Out (or CIO in the mommy world.)
So apparently, moms who let their kids cry it out are selfish because obviously their kids need them if they are crying and they (the parents) just want to not have to deal with the little terrors.  Because it's not entirely possible that kids need to learn how to get to sleep on their own eventually.  I don't know about you, but if you have a toddler that is at all like Kayla, letting her cry is sometimes the only option.  I don't always let her cry, but sometimes she just doesn't want to go to sleep.  Literally there is nothing else wrong.  She just wants to play and not sleep.  Why don't I just let her play you ask?  Is it because I'm selfish and want some alone time with my husband?  No, although I do want some alone time with my husband every once in a while and pretty sure this doesn't make me selfish...or maybe it does and I just don't care.  It's because she needs to sleep.  If she doesn't, she's extremely unhappy and irritable which I rarely have much tolerance for.  Especially because Brody isn't sleeping...still.

And Brody's not even 6 months old, but I let him cry sometimes.  Does that make me selfish too?  I mean, he takes one pretty good stretch of sleep usually, but then after he wakes up once, he's up every hour or two.  Literally.  He doesn't need anything, I'm sure of it.  So my only option is to let him cry some, even if that ends with him on all fours, banging his head on the crib.  Because all he cares about is learning to crawl, and all I care about is both of them sleeping so I don't kill them the following day (joking, I would never dream of such a thing.)

So I let my kids cry a little bit, if that makes me selfish, so be it.

Topic #2 (the real kicker): Breastfeeding versus formula feeding
I'm totally not getting into this debate at all, because I'm sure I've written before about it being hard enough being a mom, we don't need to be judging ourselves or each other on top of it all.  Boob or bottle, I don't care as long as you and your kids are happy. :)

I'm simply writing regarding someone calling a mom who is doing everything she can to breastfeed her kid selfish.  Maybe she believes (like many do and is proven) breastfeeding is excellent for both mother and baby.  Lots of health benefits and benefits for mom, so if this mom wants to cut all processed foods and dairy and gluten and soy and everything out of her diet in order to continue to breastfeed her baby, I don't think that makes her selfish (quite the opposite actually), I think that makes her willing to do a lot for what she believes is best for her baby.  (The commenter's thought was that her child was truly suffering with gas and reflux, etc, so her continuing to breastfeed was a selfish choice.)  I'm pretty determined to continue breastfeeding Brody for at least a year, like I did with Kayla.  And I'm willing to do a lot to make it work for us, even if it means continuing to get no sleep for his entire first year of life.  So I want to breastfeed my son for at least a year, if that makes me selfish, so be it.

And on the other hand, if a mom decides that she is going to formula feed her baby, even if she is fully capable of breastfeeding, whatever the reason, I don't think that makes her selfish either.  Even if the reason is that she doesn't want her boobs to get all big and saggy and filled with stretch marks and scarred from the amount of abuse they take.  You may call that a selfish reason, but at some point, mom has to take care of herself and think about herself first too.

My story:
So this morning, after many, many, many nights of hardly getting any sleep (including last night), I was out the door and on my way to my mom's house so she could watch the kids for a couple hours and I could go to a class for work.  I got all the way down to the garage to load the kids in the car, and I realized I grabbed my "other" set of keys (i.e. keys to nothing important or that I don't need every day). My "car and house" keys were still in the apartment.  Locked inside.  While I was locked out.  With a toddler and an infant.  Without keys to at least get in the car and go to my mom's until Justin got home from work (which is extra late, after bedtime, tonight.)  So Justin had to turn around and come home to let me into the house, then he took my car to work.  So I'm home today, like all Wednesdays, except today my kids won't stop crying, just like last night, and I have to deal with bedtime by myself tonight.

So I do realize I have two happy and healthy kids and a husband who is the most loving, caring, helpful and considerate person I know.  I have family who is ever so willing to help us out when we need it.  I realize every day, a million times a day, that I am blessed.   But today, I've reached my breaking point.  I need a break.  I need a day for me where I don't have to go to work, and I don't have to worry about what my kids and my husband want or need.  I need a day alone to do whatever I want to do.  And if saying that and needing/wanting that makes me selfish, then so be it.

(Although my point of this post is there really there is no such thing as a selfish mom because frankly, we need to take care of ourselves too.)

A photo from our hallway adventures this morning:

Some photos Daddy was nice enough to take on New Year's Eve (to be fair, I think Kayla took the first one.)

Firemen

I was all set to post today about some of our favorite recipes we have made since we (I) started weight watchers, or to post about moms and selfishness (oxymoron), but instead, I thought I'd tell you about the crazy day I had and post some more awesome photos by Jordann Tomasek Photography...

So, I know this is going to jinx it (but frankly, I'm not hoping it will happen again anyways), but Brody slept through the night last night.  Not that 8 hours crap that "sleep experts" (whoever they are) call sleeping through the night.  Like actually from 6:30 until 6 am without waking once.  We've tried EVERYTHING under the sun to get this kid to sleep, literally.  If you recall, I read every sleep book on the market with Kayla.  Nothing worked with Brody.  Nothing even made the slightest dent towards longer sleep stretches.  He would wake up every 2 hours or so after 1 am (sometimes earlier).  Every night.  No matter what.

So last week, I decided to try dream feeding and to give it an entire week before giving up and marking it a failure as well.  5 days made no difference.  2 nights ago, we decided to move Brody's bedtime up 30 minutes (like earlier, because despite common sense, sleep books will all tell you to move bedtime earlier if you want them to sleep later/longer.)  He was starting to become unbearably fussy between the hours of 4 and 6 pm.  So last night, something must have clicked.  Or maybe Justin and I are so exhausted that we didn't hear him screaming (unlikely).  No matter, he slept awesome.

So today, with renewed energy, I took the kids to work for a visit after Brody's first nap of the day.  On our way home, Brody was kinda fussy and starting to fade fast.  Even though he was likely asleep for a bit, I decided to try to transfer him from the car seat to the crib so he would get a better nap in.  Miraculously, this worked like a charm.  So I made Kayla and I lunch prior to her nap time.

Fast forward 20-25 minutes and the fire alarm starts going off in our condo building.  WTF.  You are kidding me right??  So, a little flustered (and in shorts and a t-shirt), I run to check on Brody.  Still passed the eff out.  Seriously.  I run back to the living area and Kayla is just looking at me wide eyed, while the alarms are blaring...bleep...bleep...BLEEP...BLEEEEEEPPP.  So I decide to look out into the hallway to determine the best course of action.  Because when you are a mom, you realize that if there isn't a fire, waking the baby is really non negotiable.

No one in the hallway, but I can smell some smoke...almost like someone burned some food.  I run back to check on Brody...still sleeping.  Check on Kayla...still confused.  Check the hallway again, two ladies are out asking what is going on and it seems they both decide to evacuate.  Well damn, do I really have to wake up Brody.

Go back inside, Kayla is now crying because she is scared shitless.  I get her out of the booster seat, tell her it's going to be ok and I need her to put on her shoes as I run to get Brody.  She screams and follows after me.

I tell her it's ok again and I help her put on her shirt (yes she took it off), I throw on my jeans and shoes and get her rain boots on her.  I check the hallway again to see if there is any progression of smoke or smell or anything.  None.

Honestly, my mind is very torn at this point.  Waking up the baby who is finally sleeping better seems like it needs to be a last resort.  But being a mom, I decide that I should probably evacuate with my kids because otherwise Justin will be pissed if he loses his wife and kids because I wanted the baby to keep sleeping better safe than sorry.  So I tell Kayla to grab her blanket while I get Brody and his blanket to keep him warm outside.  I sweep Kayla up into my arms, grab my purse, keys and phone and run down the stairs to get outside.

Five seconds after I get outside where there are a bunch of trunks and firemen and residents all over, one fireman says, "Ok you can all go back inside now if you want."

Me, "SERIOUSLY!?!?!"  One lady laughed at me because I said that out loud.  I chatted for a minute with another mom who said there was definitely smoke on the 3rd floor in the hallways.  I ran back upstairs and put Kayla down (she was still whimpering) and ran to put Brody back down in his crib in hopes he would go back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Kayla says to me, "Kayla sleep too."  Um...ok.  You don't have to twist my arm.  So after potty time, books and signing, Kayla is asleep, Brody has miraculously fallen BACK asleep and I'm free to eat lunch and enjoy some quiet time.  But not before Kayla made sure I knew the situation was "scary" a million times.

Definitely a weird last 24 hours...

An Anti-Love Letter

Dearest Winter:

I want a divorce.

If nothing else I think we need to see other people.  It's not you, it's me.  Well actually it's definitely you and your inability to keep your germy hands away from my kids.  Ever since you came into our lives, we just can't seem to get fully healthy.  You are clearly not good for us.  I know you will find someone that loves when you come into their lives and create a cesspool of germs in their homes...at least I hope you do.  That someone is just not me.

I still love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore.  I was looking forward to what you bring to the table, such as snow and cuddling time in front of the fireplace (which we don't have).  But you have failed to come through on your end.  I have put a lot into this relationship, like new winter gear for the kids and myself, but all you've brought is misery and sleepless nights (and not in a good way.)

We are just headed in different directions in our lives.  I'm heading toward spring and good health with my family, and you are headed to Antarctica where I hope you have time to think about this and come back next year with renewed energy.

Let's stay friends.

Love,
Melissa

Go the Eff to Sleep

* Disclaimer for my grandparents: you may want to look the other way and not read this post.  There are not really any updates on Kayla and Brody, and I can't take responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth in my current state.

So, here I am.  Sitting on the bathroom floor with my laptop on my lap and the door locked.  I'm thinking about starting the shower (even though I've already taken a blissful 15 minute shower all by my lonesome) just to drown out any noise (read: crying) that might be coming from the other side of the door.  We (read: all four of us) have been up since 5:11.  Yep, 5:11 exactly.  We are on day 4 of Kayla having some sort of cold thing (the day after Brody had some sort of stomach thing).  She has decided naps aren't important and that waking up at 5 am (earlier every day) is ok.  She is coughing through the night and very clearly overtired, but still won't sleep.  She's irritable and a little cranky (much more than her normal bubbly happy self.)  There are a number of things that could be causing this: the cold, potty training (I think she might be waking up when she is wet or has to go), teeth, going back to day care, pure hatred of her parents.  But frankly, what's the point of trying to figure it out?  Because it's not like I can do anything about it.

We are on day 16 or something of Brody deciding naps aren't cool if they are longer than 30-35 minutes and his sleeping at night sucks too.  Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve TWO kids (out of two by the way, I'm batting 1.000) who fool me with the nice sleeping ways for two fucking months and then turn on me and become the devil?  Because I'm starting to believe it's me.  I have to be doing something wrong, right?  I must just not be a very good mother of little babies...

(Sorry, my little fortress was just invaded and I got a little side tracked...back to my point(s) or lack there of.)  Also, Brody had a stomach virus on Thursday so I had to miss my second day back at work, and now he has some sort of cold with Kayla.  (Things they don't tell you before you have kids, especially more than one, your house becomes a cesspool of infection.)  Again, there are a number of things his poor sleep can be contributed to: gas, teeth, learning to roll over, sickness, hunger/growth spurt, going to day care, pure hatred of his parents. And again, I'm over trying to figure out these selfish little people they call babies and toddlers.  Because it's a waste of precious brain power which I'm losing by the millisecond.

So here is my mind's thought process at the moment:

What is the definition of clinical insanity:
A generally non-medical term referring to mental illnesses which are so severe and debilitating that they prevent a person from functioning in a lawful, socially acceptable manner. (Sounds like parenthood to me.)

So...
What are the symptoms of clinical insanity?

• previous history of mental illness (does PPD count?)
• previous history of alcohol or drug abuse (does college count?)
• aggression (I definitely want to hit something...notice I said something and not someone.)
• emotional lability (um yes, this morning Justin and I laughed and then I cried, and cried, and cried.)
• increased energy (nope, not this one)
• elevated and/or suspicious mood (I have nothing clever to say...)
• thoughts of conspiracy (hell yes, my kids are conspiring.  Brody can't even talk and doesn't even know where his hands and feet are but he's definitely communicating with Kayla about how they are going to have me committed.)
• hallucination (you mean there's no such thing as a sleep fairy?)
• delusions (I believe my kids will start napping and sleeping through the night to become the happy cheery kids I used to have.  This is apparently a delusion.)

Holy shit, I'm clinically insane!  

So...

What are the treatments:

• withdrawal of causative agents (removal of my kids?  yes please.)
• supportive therapy (like my husband?  or like wine?)
• Sedation (um...yes please, did you miss the part in this post where we aren't getting any sleep?)
• drugs (yes please.)

I told my kids they are lucky they are cute because otherwise I'd be trading them in for new versions.  

We (Justin and I) have spent the morning mostly making a lot of jokes and trying to laugh it off.  Among them:

• Kayla is old enough to babysit right?
• FedEx is having a shipping special on packages under 50 pounds.  Our kids weigh under 40 pounds combined.
• Maybe we should make a quick drive by and toss them at my parents and run the other direction. Surprise!  Have fun with your monsters of grandkids!

I think I've been putting on a brave face.  I truly believe they were both pretty easy for a couple months there.  And then when things turn bad, it's hard to admit they are bad because A.) you don't want people to think bad things about your kids, no matter how many bad things you are thinking about them yourself and B.) because it makes you feel like a bad parent, no matter that you know it's nothing you did.  Obviously, the majority of this post is a joke.  I am very lucky that despite the lack of sleep, my kids are relatively pleasant to be around still.  Brody's still smiling big and Kayla is still giggling with me.  I'm just really afraid they won't be the same if they keep refusing sleep.  And I'm also afraid I might actually be committed for pulling my own hair out of my head one by one.  

Luckily, I don't feel too much depression seeping in.  (It's more rage. :))  It's also funny because I know that it will end eventually (especially things with Brody having been through it with Kayla), but when you are in the throws of 5ish hours of sleep in short spurts, it's damn near impossible to remember.  And with Kayla, I'm still not sure it's going to end no matter what people say because I haven't experienced it myself yet.  I'm writing all this in hopes I can give some comfort to someone else.  You aren't alone if you are feeling that your kids are driving you insane, whether it's from lack of sleep or something else.  They probably are. :)  But in the end, those selfish little buggers are the love of your life.  So what can you do but just go with it.

They look so sweet and innocent.  Don't let them fool you.

Also, turns out, I didn't swear too much so yay for me.  I'm pretty sure that is because I got interrupted and completely lost my train of thought and forgot many things I wanted to say.  I had some delusions of grandeur (clinically insane) that this post was going to be hilarious, which it would have been if I could just remember anything.  Kids and lack of sleep...

EOTS Day 5

Random thought first:

Last night, while walking down the hallway to bed, I couldn't help but think about how I felt sad and guilty that Kayla was all alone in her own room while the rest of her family sleeps within 10 feet of each other.

This morning, I woke up thinking, "That lucky little shit."  :)

Elf got into our mail today (Kayla found him right away at breakfast):

Little Nuances

No, that doesn't say nuisances. :)

I'm a firm believer that everyone had little quirks and nuances that they may not even notice or be able to identify.  That is, until you have kids.  Toddlers, particularly mine, are amazing little copy cats.  There are so many things I do that I never even noticed until Kayla started miming my every move.

The other day, I licked my finger to clean her face (yes I said I would never do it, but I do.  It's easy.) and immediately afterwards, she liked her finger and rubbed her face.  I bite my tongue when I'm concentrating and I can catch Kayla doing the same.  When talking to people, I tend to nod my head "yes" over and over to signify that I'm listening and I understand, Kayla copies me.  It's like watching a little "me" in the mirror.  :)

Does your toddler copy your little nuances?

Child Labor: (This kid is OCD about cleaning.)

Followed by a little fun (jumping on the couch cushions on the floor.)

Random Thoughts: Diapers

It never ceases to amaze me how babies can poop and the poop only covers the edges of the diaper but not the center of the diaper.  How does that happen?  I just can't comprehend it.

Oh, and parents talk about poop like it's totally normal...

Happy Monday!

Does this bed make me look small?

So much to write about, so little time!

I will try to find time to write some posts soon.  I have to tell you all about what a great big sister Kayla is, getting on a schedule with two kiddos and hopefully cloth diapering a newborn very soon.  Brody's belly button is struggling with getting to the actual "belly button" phase, so cloth diapering is still on hold.  I'm also nervous to start cloth diapering two but I'm guessing it might be easier than I'm imagining.

Until I decide that writing is more important than napping... :)

Justin snapped this the other morning.  He likes to sleep like me :)  I literally slept with my mom there for about 4-5 hours without moving.

Super hero or zero?

I still don't really feel like a mom.  That's kinda crazy isn't it?  My emotions are much more in check now that's for sure, but I still have some really bad days.  I find it amazing that one day I can feel like Super Mom and one day I can feel like the biggest, most horrible failure ever...

Those little gassy smiles and funny faces and big farts/poops that she lets out multiple times a day sure do make me smile though.

I love you Kayla Marie, even when you are screaming at me!

So excited for a weekend with my in-laws and getting to show off my little lady!