Breakdown

I had a meltdown last night.  I'm starting to get seriously stressed about financial issues and overwhelmed with the thoughts of trying to make plans for another human being.  Justin seems so calm about everything, but I guess those are our roles:  me - the worrier, Justin - go with the flow.

The good news is I'm getting seriously excited to be a mom.  I'm scared, but mostly excited.  And, as of today, we had to put our ballroom dancing program on hold.  It hasn't been the same for us since we found out we were expanding our family and it's so expensive, we need to be saving that money for the future.  They were very understanding at Arthur Murray but Justin and I are just kinda sad about it and feel bad and like we are letting them down.

I guess step number one to becoming a parent has been checked off the list: Learn to make sacrifices for your children.  Thanks Mom and Dad for all the sacrifices I'm sure you made for us.  It's always meant a lot to me, but I guess it's beginning to hit home a little more now.  I love you.  (P.S. Dave and Jill, I'm guessing Justin feels the same way but I can't speak for him! ;)

I am feeling a lot better this week than last week, still a little sad and crabby but nothing like last week.  I'm not sure if I shared this story, but let me tell you a little about how my worst week of pregnancy ended last week:

We went up to Laurel to dog sit for Samson.  When we got there on Friday he was very excited to see us and seemed like he was almost yelling at us when we got there: "Where have you been?  Why did you leave me?  You better not go anywhere!  Where is my mom? Can we go for a walk?  I really have to pee?"  Well, I got ready to take him for his evening walk and Justin was going to take the car to get some food.  I think I did a pretty good job last week of trying hard to not act irritable around Justin, because he really didn't deserve it at all, but it all went down the tubes that fateful Friday night.

As we were leaving the house, I had Samson on his leash in my left hand, my left knee holding open the screen door and locking the door with my right hand.  Samson must have been trying to keep up with Justin who was heading to the car because he tugged me just the littlest bit, and I twisted just a smidge to the left.  Needless to say, this lead to my knee slipping from the door and the HEAVY door (which seems to be on super duper strong springy springs) slammed me directly in the forehead.

It hurt...bad!  I yelled ouch a few times and started to tear up.  I was trying to just compose myself and Justin goes, "What? What? What? What? What? What?"  Literally.  I'm not kidding.  Six times in like a ten second span.  I didn't even have time to answer if I wanted to.  I lost it and screamed at him that the effing door hit me in the face and can you just give me a minute to get myself together and stop asking me what?  (It was a lot stronger and harsher than that.)  I know he was just concerned but the 6 whats just pushed me over the edge.  I told him I was still standing and wasn't dying so if he could just give me a minute that would be great!  I'm glad that week is over.  Sorry, baby, I shouldn't have blown up at you.

I hope everyone's weeks are going well!! I'm trying to get Dad to write another blog...he wants to post a picture of his new beard so maybe look for that.  P.S. I don't really like kissing a bearded man.

Crabby...

Holy cow am I crabby.  I really can't help it, I just feel bad about myself.  So first I'm going to vent, and then I'm going to make a list of the things that make me feel happy.

Vent:

My back is absolutely killing me.  As many of you may know, I hurt my back my freshman year of college lifting heavy weights and ever since then (about 8 years ago) I've been battling a condition that really sucks with therapy, doctors, chiropractors, shots, etc.  I knew it was going to be bad when I got pregnant but it feels like it did the day I did it, and it hasn't felt this bad since then.  Sarah, God bless her, tries really hard in every yoga class to help me out but it seems I'm just going to have to deal with it.

I feel so unattractive it's not even funny.  Whoever says I have a "pregnancy glow" is lying.  I feel like crap, and I feel like I look like crap, all the time, no matter what.  The only thing I can try to do to solve this is go shopping (which is something I really shouldn't be doing but it makes me feel better...usually.)  But now, it doesn't help, because I can't find anything I like and I end up buying jewelry or socks because it's the only thing that fits.

The smallest things are significantly irritating me, and therefore, I have begun to dread going to work because there are just a couple of patients that I just can't deal with for an hour at a time.  For the large majority, my patients are wonderful and usually make me feel better, but those couple can really ruin your day.

I'm constantly hungry, but never really feel like eating anything in particular.  Come on pregnancy cravings, where are you?

Did I mention my back is killing me and making me want to cry?????

Things that make me happy:

Prenatal yoga: specifically the prenatal yoga music mix we listen to that is full of songs about empowerment.  My favorite is Wade Morissette (brother of Alanis) "Strong as Diamonds"

Walking around

My husband cleaning the apartment while I shop (even if then I come home to a whole load of crap to dispose of or put away)

Ice cream

Fall weather (this really should be higher up on the list)

My sisters and mom (and really my whole family - seeing my dad this weekend, even if only for lunch, was wonderful)

Friends and strangers telling me I look great even if I don't feel like it

My baby kicking me

Crafting

Movies

Naps

It seems that there are certainly a lot more positives than negatives, I just needed my blog as an outlet to vent and remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life.  I'm posting lyrics to my favorite prenatal yoga song and I'm walking to Baskin Robins to get myself ice cream later, even if my husband sits on his butt watching football and I have to go alone.

Strong as Diamonds
(© 2006 w.morissette)

Om Vajra Kaya Namaha

To be as strong as diamonds

To be as strong as the wind

Take my hand and jump

Take my hand and leap

Take my hand and fly high

Take my hand and go now

Time is on my side

My own heart I abide

Sanskrit translation: To be as strong as diamonds

"Sometimes we must access our pure strength to overcome and triumph."